Relationship Revelations

Yesterday was a big day. I did a lot of talking, a lot of listening, and a lot of realizing.

Realization #1:
A friend at work and I have a meeting every Thursday. This Thursday we had our meeting offsite because she was allowed to have post-Lent coffee. We had an incredibly productive meeting, and we also spent a marginal amount of time talking about personal stuff (as you do).

I was talking to her about how I've been lonely and sad lately. As I was saying this, I was clearly agitated, and I just kept saying/thinking/feeling, "I'm sorry. This is lame. I'll get over it."

And she just sort of looked at me and asked, "Why is it lame?"

And I stopped and asked myself, "Why do I tell myself that my emotions about this are lame? What is it within me that cannot accept this honest emotional reaction?"

I wrote this down: I do not value needing someone romantically. I'm supposed to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient! So I feel weak, lame, and frustrated with myself when I need those things.

Wow. How VERY contradictory! I know that I want relationship. And I know that is normal. However, I have a great deal of shame associated with wanting that because I'm "not supposed" to want that. That was a huge realization.

Realization #2:
Yesterday evening a dear friend came to my apartment, and we chatted for a while. She and I always talk out a bunch of good stuff. Last night was no exception.

I have recognized in recent times that I am a person who can't stand to make mistakes. I am extremely cautious about being wrong or looking foolish in any circumstance. I realized in conversation that this also extends to relationships (duh).

I have to wait to see if everything will work out, if things will line up in such a way that it will be okay, safe, no risk of looking foolish. I had no idea that it was such an issue for me. I used to believe that I would willingly look foolish for love. But it never occurred to me that I would have to look foolish even to myself! Love-foolishness is secretly noble, and most people (except villains) know that. Right?! Wow.

My friend then asked me if perhaps the reason that I have never really been chosen in the way that I desire is because I don't allow myself to make mistakes. If someone doesn't have the opportunity to choose me through/beyond a mistake... then I'm not allowing the relationship to get to a rather important level of intimacy. Could this be a trust issue? Likely. Could this be a self-worth issue? Undoubtedly.


And at the end of the day... I really, genuinely do have to engage in the messiness of relationship in order to learn anything. I think I've pridefully assumed that means descending into other people's messes in order to learn about them. However, it also means allowing other people into my mess... allowing myself to make a mess... I can't even tell you how that brings up such fear for me.