For those who find they have little patience for insecurity... do not read further.
I've really been struggling with loneliness as of late. It seems that almost everywhere I look, I am surrounded by extremely happy couples. I have also been faced with the fact that ONCE AGAIN I have allowed myself to develop feelings for someone who will never feel the same way. Good pattern, Carey. Smooth.
My mom and one of my dear friends both commented to me that I must continue to be attracted to these guys who aren't interested in me because I'm not really ready for a relationship. That sounds logical, right? And I'll be honest, the idea of actually dating someone is definitely terrifying. However, it just doesn't ring true for me. You know how when someone totally nails your issue, you get sort of an uncomfortable knowing? I didn't really feel that. I just became more mystified.
I started praying about it. In church on Sunday, our pastor prayed that God would shine hope into every corner of our lives. I thought, "God, I don't have any hope in my romance corner. It is just sort of sad. Give me eyes to see, what am I doing there?"
What I saw was very interesting. I saw myself dragging the sloughed off, molted (like dead snakeskin) skin of some guy into my romance corner. I think to myself, there is no way I can actually snag a real guy. There is no way a guy would come to the corner of his own volition, so I have to make it happen. The closest thing I can get is this molted outline. So I drag the dead, empty skin into my corner, prop it up, and I ask God for it to be enough. And it isn't.
That is my own unhealthiness. I was lamenting to a friend today that I wasn't even attractive enough for the creepy guy in our circle of friends to come after me. He goes after everyone, but not me. She advised me that it is more likely my healthiness that prevents that attraction. That is a nice, comforting response. I hope it is true. I don't really know.
I'm just tired. (I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of on my own... I don't know the rest of the lyrics, but that is some song.) I'm always fine until some stupid guy comes along and gets me hoping. Stupid boys. Then I come back to reality, realize nothing has changed, and then have to readjust to being happily single. It does exist for me. It has in the past. Just not today. Dumb romantic comedies don't help either. However, The Holiday (which I watched tonight) was impossibly cute. It really was. But Bitter Party of One (me) just sort of grumbled the whole time about how guys aren't really like that, and it is so the exception to be the girl the guy changes for, or why can't I be the nice girl who finally catches the notice of the nice guy?! *sigh*
Okay. I think I'm done ranting. If you made it this far... that is impressive.
1 comment:
So, the molten outline thing is a little creepy. However, it kind of reminds me of something my mom would tell me when I used to complain about wanting a boyfriend or whatever. I would sit at home, watching TV, saying "Gosh, I wish I had a boyfriend." And my mom would say, "Well, you're not going to find one sitting in the living room." At which point she would urge me to join a Sunday School class and meet a nice boy at church.
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