So, I'm in the choral group Northern Kingdom. Tonight we are singing for a revival at a local Nazarene church. We are only singing one song, and the song happens to be the one in which I have extensive solo-age. This makes me extremely anxious. I don't do solos. Haven't (with one other Northern Kingdom exception) since elementary school.
I asked a friend of mine for advice on how to battle anxiety, and she suggested (among other things) listing those things over which I do and do not have control.
I cannot control:
Friday, April 20, 2007
Aside from my to-do list...
So there is this gentleman. And he has me completely confused. Let's make a list, because lists are easier for me.
Pros:
1. He is incredibly attentive and remembers random things about me.
2. He genuinely seeks out my opinion about a variety of topics.
3. He asks silly questions as an excuse to email me (you'd be surprised how dumb some of these questions have been).
4. He is kind/sensitive... those don't quite capture it. Maybe it is gentleness? He just has this quality of... goodness and honesty about him. He loves others, and it shows.
5. He clearly loves and serves the Lord.
6. He challenges me. When we talk about serious issues, he has intelligent and insightful questions that truly surprise me.
7. He is well educated.
8. Sometimes he'll say something really, really funny. And he is sort of quiet, so when he does, it is hysterical.
9. He is clearly responsible in important ways (hard worker, financially responsible, etc).
10. He is actively seeking what God wants him to do with his life.
Cons:
1. We don't have many similar interests.
2. He needs to become acquainted with the glorious invention of the Q-Tip. (Just sayin'.)
3. I'M NOT FREAKING ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!
Am I just so insanely unhealthy that I'm not attracted to this fabulous guy? What the crap is wrong with me?! Augh.
Instead I am drawn to that which is dead. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to miss something really wonderful. But maybe I'm just genuinely not attracted to this guy? Oh, I don't know.
I'm just trying to learn.
Pros:
1. He is incredibly attentive and remembers random things about me.
2. He genuinely seeks out my opinion about a variety of topics.
3. He asks silly questions as an excuse to email me (you'd be surprised how dumb some of these questions have been).
4. He is kind/sensitive... those don't quite capture it. Maybe it is gentleness? He just has this quality of... goodness and honesty about him. He loves others, and it shows.
5. He clearly loves and serves the Lord.
6. He challenges me. When we talk about serious issues, he has intelligent and insightful questions that truly surprise me.
7. He is well educated.
8. Sometimes he'll say something really, really funny. And he is sort of quiet, so when he does, it is hysterical.
9. He is clearly responsible in important ways (hard worker, financially responsible, etc).
10. He is actively seeking what God wants him to do with his life.
Cons:
1. We don't have many similar interests.
2. He needs to become acquainted with the glorious invention of the Q-Tip. (Just sayin'.)
3. I'M NOT FREAKING ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!
Am I just so insanely unhealthy that I'm not attracted to this fabulous guy? What the crap is wrong with me?! Augh.
Instead I am drawn to that which is dead. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to miss something really wonderful. But maybe I'm just genuinely not attracted to this guy? Oh, I don't know.
I'm just trying to learn.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Relationship Revelations
Yesterday was a big day. I did a lot of talking, a lot of listening, and a lot of realizing.
Realization #1:
A friend at work and I have a meeting every Thursday. This Thursday we had our meeting offsite because she was allowed to have post-Lent coffee. We had an incredibly productive meeting, and we also spent a marginal amount of time talking about personal stuff (as you do).
I was talking to her about how I've been lonely and sad lately. As I was saying this, I was clearly agitated, and I just kept saying/thinking/feeling, "I'm sorry. This is lame. I'll get over it."
And she just sort of looked at me and asked, "Why is it lame?"
And I stopped and asked myself, "Why do I tell myself that my emotions about this are lame? What is it within me that cannot accept this honest emotional reaction?"
I wrote this down: I do not value needing someone romantically. I'm supposed to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient! So I feel weak, lame, and frustrated with myself when I need those things.
Wow. How VERY contradictory! I know that I want relationship. And I know that is normal. However, I have a great deal of shame associated with wanting that because I'm "not supposed" to want that. That was a huge realization.
Realization #2:
Yesterday evening a dear friend came to my apartment, and we chatted for a while. She and I always talk out a bunch of good stuff. Last night was no exception.
I have recognized in recent times that I am a person who can't stand to make mistakes. I am extremely cautious about being wrong or looking foolish in any circumstance. I realized in conversation that this also extends to relationships (duh).
I have to wait to see if everything will work out, if things will line up in such a way that it will be okay, safe, no risk of looking foolish. I had no idea that it was such an issue for me. I used to believe that I would willingly look foolish for love. But it never occurred to me that I would have to look foolish even to myself! Love-foolishness is secretly noble, and most people (except villains) know that. Right?! Wow.
My friend then asked me if perhaps the reason that I have never really been chosen in the way that I desire is because I don't allow myself to make mistakes. If someone doesn't have the opportunity to choose me through/beyond a mistake... then I'm not allowing the relationship to get to a rather important level of intimacy. Could this be a trust issue? Likely. Could this be a self-worth issue? Undoubtedly.
And at the end of the day... I really, genuinely do have to engage in the messiness of relationship in order to learn anything. I think I've pridefully assumed that means descending into other people's messes in order to learn about them. However, it also means allowing other people into my mess... allowing myself to make a mess... I can't even tell you how that brings up such fear for me.
Realization #1:
A friend at work and I have a meeting every Thursday. This Thursday we had our meeting offsite because she was allowed to have post-Lent coffee. We had an incredibly productive meeting, and we also spent a marginal amount of time talking about personal stuff (as you do).
I was talking to her about how I've been lonely and sad lately. As I was saying this, I was clearly agitated, and I just kept saying/thinking/feeling, "I'm sorry. This is lame. I'll get over it."
And she just sort of looked at me and asked, "Why is it lame?"
And I stopped and asked myself, "Why do I tell myself that my emotions about this are lame? What is it within me that cannot accept this honest emotional reaction?"
I wrote this down: I do not value needing someone romantically. I'm supposed to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient! So I feel weak, lame, and frustrated with myself when I need those things.
Wow. How VERY contradictory! I know that I want relationship. And I know that is normal. However, I have a great deal of shame associated with wanting that because I'm "not supposed" to want that. That was a huge realization.
Realization #2:
Yesterday evening a dear friend came to my apartment, and we chatted for a while. She and I always talk out a bunch of good stuff. Last night was no exception.
I have recognized in recent times that I am a person who can't stand to make mistakes. I am extremely cautious about being wrong or looking foolish in any circumstance. I realized in conversation that this also extends to relationships (duh).
I have to wait to see if everything will work out, if things will line up in such a way that it will be okay, safe, no risk of looking foolish. I had no idea that it was such an issue for me. I used to believe that I would willingly look foolish for love. But it never occurred to me that I would have to look foolish even to myself! Love-foolishness is secretly noble, and most people (except villains) know that. Right?! Wow.
My friend then asked me if perhaps the reason that I have never really been chosen in the way that I desire is because I don't allow myself to make mistakes. If someone doesn't have the opportunity to choose me through/beyond a mistake... then I'm not allowing the relationship to get to a rather important level of intimacy. Could this be a trust issue? Likely. Could this be a self-worth issue? Undoubtedly.
And at the end of the day... I really, genuinely do have to engage in the messiness of relationship in order to learn anything. I think I've pridefully assumed that means descending into other people's messes in order to learn about them. However, it also means allowing other people into my mess... allowing myself to make a mess... I can't even tell you how that brings up such fear for me.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Way to Love
I'm not referring to romantic love. I am actually referencing a book title by Anthony de Mello. Apparently this book was mentioned in the footnotes of both of Rob Bell's books. A friend here at work lent me the book, asking me to read the section titled "Bring in the Poor." Of course this would be of particular interest as we work at a homeless shelter and recovery facility.
My friend's point was how the reading really changes the way you think about and approach people. It was definitely a good chapter, and it got me thinking. I just don't think it was what my friend intended.
See, the point of the chapter was to get you to think differently about the poor, blind, or disabled. The way de Mello put it was that when there is someone who makes you uncomfortable or who gives you negative feelings, you ought to realize that they aren't doing whatever it is on purpose, if they could change it they would, and that they aren't the ones causing this emotional reaction, but that it is our own "programming" that is causing this. He says that if we can alter our thinking in that way, it will open us up to have compassion for those people. That is an extremely poor summary of some very poignant thoughts.
However, I didn't really once think about someone who was actually poor. I thought about a specific individual who puts off a very creepy vibe. Now, I agree with de Mello that this guy isn't necessarily doing this on purpose and would prefer to be some other way.
I have learned a lot about Christian community from this guy. If I had my way, I would go as far away as possible, run in the other direction, change locations, change social circles, sever whatever ties we have in common. I feel negative feelings rising at the thought of him. However, I think it is fair to say that if I went to some other location, social circle, whatever, there would be some guy there who would make me feel moderately to severely icky. And doesn't this guy deserve compassion and healing and community just as much as the attractive, funny guy I'd prefer to spend time with? Not that my company is this oh so wonderful gift, but a lot of people run away. Perhaps I should do something different.
Now, I have no intention of seeking him out intentionally or spending any one on one time. I am all about healthy boundaries. However, within the context of Christian community, we can minister to one another. I mean, how will anyone ever learn how to be in relationship with one another if we don't actually engage in the messiness of relationship? How will I ever learn how to be around creepy people in a healthy way unless I go about the business of doing exactly that? How will he ever learn what healthy interaction looks like, unless it is modeled for him in relationship?
He has recently expressed a very specific need. My initial reaction is still repulsion. I pray that God would help to refine my bad attitude. But as a community, we ought to come together, show love for one another, and meet each other's needs.
I think I may have strayed from my initial point, but I am trying to learn how to have love and compassion even for those who bring up negative feelings for me. We can still love those people in healthy ways.
My friend's point was how the reading really changes the way you think about and approach people. It was definitely a good chapter, and it got me thinking. I just don't think it was what my friend intended.
See, the point of the chapter was to get you to think differently about the poor, blind, or disabled. The way de Mello put it was that when there is someone who makes you uncomfortable or who gives you negative feelings, you ought to realize that they aren't doing whatever it is on purpose, if they could change it they would, and that they aren't the ones causing this emotional reaction, but that it is our own "programming" that is causing this. He says that if we can alter our thinking in that way, it will open us up to have compassion for those people. That is an extremely poor summary of some very poignant thoughts.
However, I didn't really once think about someone who was actually poor. I thought about a specific individual who puts off a very creepy vibe. Now, I agree with de Mello that this guy isn't necessarily doing this on purpose and would prefer to be some other way.
I have learned a lot about Christian community from this guy. If I had my way, I would go as far away as possible, run in the other direction, change locations, change social circles, sever whatever ties we have in common. I feel negative feelings rising at the thought of him. However, I think it is fair to say that if I went to some other location, social circle, whatever, there would be some guy there who would make me feel moderately to severely icky. And doesn't this guy deserve compassion and healing and community just as much as the attractive, funny guy I'd prefer to spend time with? Not that my company is this oh so wonderful gift, but a lot of people run away. Perhaps I should do something different.
Now, I have no intention of seeking him out intentionally or spending any one on one time. I am all about healthy boundaries. However, within the context of Christian community, we can minister to one another. I mean, how will anyone ever learn how to be in relationship with one another if we don't actually engage in the messiness of relationship? How will I ever learn how to be around creepy people in a healthy way unless I go about the business of doing exactly that? How will he ever learn what healthy interaction looks like, unless it is modeled for him in relationship?
He has recently expressed a very specific need. My initial reaction is still repulsion. I pray that God would help to refine my bad attitude. But as a community, we ought to come together, show love for one another, and meet each other's needs.
I think I may have strayed from my initial point, but I am trying to learn how to have love and compassion even for those who bring up negative feelings for me. We can still love those people in healthy ways.
Caution: Insecurity Ahead
For those who find they have little patience for insecurity... do not read further.
I've really been struggling with loneliness as of late. It seems that almost everywhere I look, I am surrounded by extremely happy couples. I have also been faced with the fact that ONCE AGAIN I have allowed myself to develop feelings for someone who will never feel the same way. Good pattern, Carey. Smooth.
My mom and one of my dear friends both commented to me that I must continue to be attracted to these guys who aren't interested in me because I'm not really ready for a relationship. That sounds logical, right? And I'll be honest, the idea of actually dating someone is definitely terrifying. However, it just doesn't ring true for me. You know how when someone totally nails your issue, you get sort of an uncomfortable knowing? I didn't really feel that. I just became more mystified.
I started praying about it. In church on Sunday, our pastor prayed that God would shine hope into every corner of our lives. I thought, "God, I don't have any hope in my romance corner. It is just sort of sad. Give me eyes to see, what am I doing there?"
What I saw was very interesting. I saw myself dragging the sloughed off, molted (like dead snakeskin) skin of some guy into my romance corner. I think to myself, there is no way I can actually snag a real guy. There is no way a guy would come to the corner of his own volition, so I have to make it happen. The closest thing I can get is this molted outline. So I drag the dead, empty skin into my corner, prop it up, and I ask God for it to be enough. And it isn't.
That is my own unhealthiness. I was lamenting to a friend today that I wasn't even attractive enough for the creepy guy in our circle of friends to come after me. He goes after everyone, but not me. She advised me that it is more likely my healthiness that prevents that attraction. That is a nice, comforting response. I hope it is true. I don't really know.
I'm just tired. (I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of on my own... I don't know the rest of the lyrics, but that is some song.) I'm always fine until some stupid guy comes along and gets me hoping. Stupid boys. Then I come back to reality, realize nothing has changed, and then have to readjust to being happily single. It does exist for me. It has in the past. Just not today. Dumb romantic comedies don't help either. However, The Holiday (which I watched tonight) was impossibly cute. It really was. But Bitter Party of One (me) just sort of grumbled the whole time about how guys aren't really like that, and it is so the exception to be the girl the guy changes for, or why can't I be the nice girl who finally catches the notice of the nice guy?! *sigh*
Okay. I think I'm done ranting. If you made it this far... that is impressive.
I've really been struggling with loneliness as of late. It seems that almost everywhere I look, I am surrounded by extremely happy couples. I have also been faced with the fact that ONCE AGAIN I have allowed myself to develop feelings for someone who will never feel the same way. Good pattern, Carey. Smooth.
My mom and one of my dear friends both commented to me that I must continue to be attracted to these guys who aren't interested in me because I'm not really ready for a relationship. That sounds logical, right? And I'll be honest, the idea of actually dating someone is definitely terrifying. However, it just doesn't ring true for me. You know how when someone totally nails your issue, you get sort of an uncomfortable knowing? I didn't really feel that. I just became more mystified.
I started praying about it. In church on Sunday, our pastor prayed that God would shine hope into every corner of our lives. I thought, "God, I don't have any hope in my romance corner. It is just sort of sad. Give me eyes to see, what am I doing there?"
What I saw was very interesting. I saw myself dragging the sloughed off, molted (like dead snakeskin) skin of some guy into my romance corner. I think to myself, there is no way I can actually snag a real guy. There is no way a guy would come to the corner of his own volition, so I have to make it happen. The closest thing I can get is this molted outline. So I drag the dead, empty skin into my corner, prop it up, and I ask God for it to be enough. And it isn't.
That is my own unhealthiness. I was lamenting to a friend today that I wasn't even attractive enough for the creepy guy in our circle of friends to come after me. He goes after everyone, but not me. She advised me that it is more likely my healthiness that prevents that attraction. That is a nice, comforting response. I hope it is true. I don't really know.
I'm just tired. (I'm so tired of being alone. I'm so tired of on my own... I don't know the rest of the lyrics, but that is some song.) I'm always fine until some stupid guy comes along and gets me hoping. Stupid boys. Then I come back to reality, realize nothing has changed, and then have to readjust to being happily single. It does exist for me. It has in the past. Just not today. Dumb romantic comedies don't help either. However, The Holiday (which I watched tonight) was impossibly cute. It really was. But Bitter Party of One (me) just sort of grumbled the whole time about how guys aren't really like that, and it is so the exception to be the girl the guy changes for, or why can't I be the nice girl who finally catches the notice of the nice guy?! *sigh*
Okay. I think I'm done ranting. If you made it this far... that is impressive.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Blog of Joy and Wonder
So, I hear that blogspot is a magical place. Is that true?
I work at a non-profit, right? And so much of what we have around is donated, including coffee items. Well, someone donated some Cafe Vienna mix and a Vanilla drink mix. Delicious. We could definitely stand to have a little more of that around here.
I've been rather melancholy of late... going through the process of mourning certain hopes and dreams. As I get older (and I recognize that I'm not that old right now), I am seeing this pattern of mourning and celebration and elation and melancholy and the in-between times when nothing exciting at all is happening. Turns out Wise Solomon knew what he was talking about in Ecclesiastes. Who knew?
I can't promise that anything on this blog will be readable or interesting. Maybe it will become moreso as I go along. Assuming I remember to continue blogging here. I'm just a young woman figuring out how to take on responsibility and commitment in ways that glorify the God I serve.
I work at a non-profit, right? And so much of what we have around is donated, including coffee items. Well, someone donated some Cafe Vienna mix and a Vanilla drink mix. Delicious. We could definitely stand to have a little more of that around here.
I've been rather melancholy of late... going through the process of mourning certain hopes and dreams. As I get older (and I recognize that I'm not that old right now), I am seeing this pattern of mourning and celebration and elation and melancholy and the in-between times when nothing exciting at all is happening. Turns out Wise Solomon knew what he was talking about in Ecclesiastes. Who knew?
I can't promise that anything on this blog will be readable or interesting. Maybe it will become moreso as I go along. Assuming I remember to continue blogging here. I'm just a young woman figuring out how to take on responsibility and commitment in ways that glorify the God I serve.
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