Quite the Romantic

God has wooed me.

I was cut off and alone in the desert. And the Lord of All Creation romanced me.

In some ways, it's the whole point. In other ways, it's just a step, preparation for what God is bringing.

I can't really pretend to understand it all. I don't.

An orange purse told me to go to Peru.

By way of context, for my own sake, here are the things in my life at the moment:

1. I just turned 27.
2. In November, I resigned from KCRM.
3. Two weeks later God called me to pursue ordained pastoral ministry.

Day of lists.

So, I'm in the choral group Northern Kingdom. Tonight we are singing for a revival at a local Nazarene church. We are only singing one song, and the song happens to be the one in which I have extensive solo-age. This makes me extremely anxious. I don't do solos. Haven't (with one other Northern Kingdom exception) since elementary school.

I asked a friend of mine for advice on how to battle anxiety, and she suggested (among other things) listing those things over which I do and do not have control.

I cannot control:

Aside from my to-do list...

So there is this gentleman. And he has me completely confused. Let's make a list, because lists are easier for me.

Pros:
1. He is incredibly attentive and remembers random things about me.
2. He genuinely seeks out my opinion about a variety of topics.
3. He asks silly questions as an excuse to email me (you'd be surprised how dumb some of these questions have been).
4. He is kind/sensitive... those don't quite capture it. Maybe it is gentleness? He just has this quality of... goodness and honesty about him. He loves others, and it shows.
5. He clearly loves and serves the Lord.
6. He challenges me. When we talk about serious issues, he has intelligent and insightful questions that truly surprise me.
7. He is well educated.
8. Sometimes he'll say something really, really funny. And he is sort of quiet, so when he does, it is hysterical.
9. He is clearly responsible in important ways (hard worker, financially responsible, etc).
10. He is actively seeking what God wants him to do with his life.

Cons:
1. We don't have many similar interests.
2. He needs to become acquainted with the glorious invention of the Q-Tip. (Just sayin'.)
3. I'M NOT FREAKING ATTRACTED TO HIM!!!

Am I just so insanely unhealthy that I'm not attracted to this fabulous guy? What the crap is wrong with me?! Augh.

Instead I am drawn to that which is dead. I don't want to screw this up. I don't want to miss something really wonderful. But maybe I'm just genuinely not attracted to this guy? Oh, I don't know.

I'm just trying to learn.

Relationship Revelations

Yesterday was a big day. I did a lot of talking, a lot of listening, and a lot of realizing.

Realization #1:
A friend at work and I have a meeting every Thursday. This Thursday we had our meeting offsite because she was allowed to have post-Lent coffee. We had an incredibly productive meeting, and we also spent a marginal amount of time talking about personal stuff (as you do).

I was talking to her about how I've been lonely and sad lately. As I was saying this, I was clearly agitated, and I just kept saying/thinking/feeling, "I'm sorry. This is lame. I'll get over it."

And she just sort of looked at me and asked, "Why is it lame?"

And I stopped and asked myself, "Why do I tell myself that my emotions about this are lame? What is it within me that cannot accept this honest emotional reaction?"

I wrote this down: I do not value needing someone romantically. I'm supposed to be strong, independent, and self-sufficient! So I feel weak, lame, and frustrated with myself when I need those things.

Wow. How VERY contradictory! I know that I want relationship. And I know that is normal. However, I have a great deal of shame associated with wanting that because I'm "not supposed" to want that. That was a huge realization.

Realization #2:
Yesterday evening a dear friend came to my apartment, and we chatted for a while. She and I always talk out a bunch of good stuff. Last night was no exception.

I have recognized in recent times that I am a person who can't stand to make mistakes. I am extremely cautious about being wrong or looking foolish in any circumstance. I realized in conversation that this also extends to relationships (duh).

I have to wait to see if everything will work out, if things will line up in such a way that it will be okay, safe, no risk of looking foolish. I had no idea that it was such an issue for me. I used to believe that I would willingly look foolish for love. But it never occurred to me that I would have to look foolish even to myself! Love-foolishness is secretly noble, and most people (except villains) know that. Right?! Wow.

My friend then asked me if perhaps the reason that I have never really been chosen in the way that I desire is because I don't allow myself to make mistakes. If someone doesn't have the opportunity to choose me through/beyond a mistake... then I'm not allowing the relationship to get to a rather important level of intimacy. Could this be a trust issue? Likely. Could this be a self-worth issue? Undoubtedly.


And at the end of the day... I really, genuinely do have to engage in the messiness of relationship in order to learn anything. I think I've pridefully assumed that means descending into other people's messes in order to learn about them. However, it also means allowing other people into my mess... allowing myself to make a mess... I can't even tell you how that brings up such fear for me.